REAL MEN SHOP TOO

Real men shop too, I accept that women do it much better than us nevertheless men can do it with some success and pleasure. I also accept that some men do not like shopping.

Tina is really good at shopping but you had to see Nan to find a shopper par excellence. Nan could leave a shop in absolute turmoil, buy nothing, and everyone would say "what a nice lady! " as she departed.

Actually the word 'shop' is a noun derived from Old Dutch that means stall but it has also become the verb to describe the act of buying goods. It will do in this blog.

I do not mean that insane modern phenomenon of 'retail therapy' that is a euphemism for fiscal suicide. How daft can a person get? - they go into a store use a credit card putting 25% on the price and buy something 200% inflated like a top with D&C poorly embroidered on it! [D&C was something quite different in times past , it was spoken in hushed terms by ladies - I believe that it was not a pleasant experience to say the least.] Then we have more numpties who do the same with 'FCUK' on the front! They need a brain transplant. I am talking about real commerce, I am talking about spending on's hard earned money and getting something of value, I am talking about getting real pleasure from the exchange.

I was introduced to shopping when I was an apprentice lad on tramp ships and a port on the Eastern Coast of the USA was our first port of call. We would draw a few dollars and barter for good dungarees, 'Fruit of the Loom' tee-shirts, good boxer shorts, and strong blue cotton work shirts. It felt good to be clean, smart, and seaman -like. These goods were bought from stores serving seafarers and owned by Americans of Greek. Lebanese, or Jewish origin. You negotiated, struck a deal, and usually ended up both satisfied. The whole crew would go up to the store including the Master and officers.

I remember one humorous call to a store in Norfolk, Virginia. The bartering was going on and the Chief Engineer asked for a 'Maiden-form' bra for his wife. [Good ladies underwear was still in short supply in the UK in 1954.] The young American lady asked for size and cup size and showed him the selection and he made his choice and it was nicely wrapped and purchased - job done. The Old Man [Captain] overheard this exchange and thought this was an excellent idea. In a booming West Country voice he requested a bra for his wife.The American girl quietly ask for size, pause, he pondered and stated 36". The girl said OK and queried cup size? The Captain pondered again, silence for moment, a few mutterings, and then his hand come up chest height and he proceeded to make a kind of feeling motion to simulate size. The young girl is looking at him slightly open mouthed and speechless. The crew are looking on and trying not to splutter out a laugh. The Old Man realised that he was the centre of attention went red and exploded with a bellow for everyone to "get about their business!" We all went out laughing fit to bust. Later that trip in Australia the Master did manage to buy some black opals for his wife.

The Far East was a cornucopia for the British seafarer buying gifts to take home. If you were wealthy then it would be a camphor-wood chest, and then there were tea -sets, silks, batik and so on. There was also that remarkable phenomenon towards the latter stages of a long voyage after months away called the "Channels." It was the anticipation of the joy of the reunion with loved ones. You could walk pass a cabin door and find a guy looking at his purchases and sensing the pleasure that they would bring. There were other manifestations of the channels like soaking your hands in fish-oil to soften the calluses, washing clothes carefully and ironing them to be ready.

[I look at the troops returning from Afghanistan and remember the joys of home coming with Tina.]

Move on to the late 1960's and by then I am a young Master and take over as Fleet Captain for Collins Submarine Pipelines, an American outfit, operating out of Ras al Khafji some 50 kilometres across the desert south of Kuwait. I had a wonderful bunch of guys working with and for me including a good number of London River Men. They were great tug skippers and, believe or not, the best of shoppers. Imagine Del Boy let lose in a souk, [as in Only Fools & Horses] the Arabs in the gold souk and clothing souk loved them, they would haggle and joke. This happened every time the guys went home on leave and they took jewellery and dresses etc. home for loved ones. They got me into the mode too and the picture shows Tina dressed in a Milan creation purchased in Kuwait.

I remember many instances of buying goods to bring home. Brigadier Parker, my boss in Offshore Marine, with lobsters from Nova Scotia. Captain Llewellyn and I bringing turkeys from Dublin. I brought home Scotch Cake [tobacco in block form] from Holland for Tina's Dad and so on.

Real men do shop.........